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I wrote this as a sample a long time ago (last week), and I forgot to post it. I'll [probably] stop doing that...

BROKEN PROMISES: LINDSAY LOHAN APPEARS ON THE NEWS, DOESN'T PLUG HER NEW FLICK

According to the L.A. Times and every other media outlet here, Lindsay Lohan was arrested Tuesday in Santa Monica after the mother of one of her assistants dialed 911 to report that she was being chased by Lohan in her SUV. Police added that the assistant had quit her job just hours before. There's no word yet on why Lindsay wasn't driving a Prius instead.

After being stopped at 1:35 a.m., Lohan registered a BAL between 0.12% and 0.13%, besting the California legal limit by at least .04%. According to Santa Monica Police Lt. Alex Padilla, a small amount of cocaine was found in her pocket, the Times reported.

The actress was booked on several misdemeanors and felonies, including suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol, driving on a suspended license, possession of cocaine and transport of a narcotic, police said Tuesday morning. These charges against Lohan are agreeably not as original as Michael Vick's federal dogfighting charges. A police press release later in the day failed to mention the narcotic transport allegation, though it's hard to keep track of details like that with the blonde mug shot circulating everywhere like it's following you.

According to the Times, Lohan was released at 6:20 a.m. after posting $25,000 bond. No reports mentioned if she was allowed to keep the cocaine.

Her arrest comes just two weeks after she completed her most recent stint in rehab at Promises, an upscale rehabilitation center in Malibu, which followed a DUI-related crash in Beverly Hills.

Meanwhile, her father, Michael Lohan, has been loving enough to appear on every. single. outlet. he. can. This latest turn in the starlet's downward spiral might be severely devastating to her career, but it's been great for her dad's!

Michael Lohan will be more popular and more loved than the Beckhams in no time, as he tells Fox News' Hannity and Colmes (I told you, *every* show he can!) that she's all that's ever mattered to him, not her career or her stardom. I wonder how many other people have told her that...

Mr. Lohan also told OK! Magazine, "Lindsay is my daughter, I love her to death. You know if I could serve the time for her in jail I would myself, if they allowed me to I would. If I could die for my kids I would. I gladly, without a blink of an eye, give my life for my children. And that's what it's about, loving my kids."

These comments appeared in the same interview in which Mr. Lohan dismissed his younger daughter Ali's claims that he was "never there" for the family.

...Maybe he loves her for speaking her mind? He continues in the interview, confusingly, "For Ali to say that I was never there and I'm lying...People who have known us for 25 years know that I have always there for my kids. These lies have got to stop because they are having an effect on my children. We don't realize in life is that what I do affects my kids." So maybe mom's the one who sucks at parenting!

After Lindsay's crash in Beverly Hills, Mr. Lohan had suggested that Lindsay's "cool mom" stereotype, his ex-wife Dina, was a problem, and that she and their daughter should enter rehab together. Now he's saying that without a mother and a father with her in L.A., Lindsay is just in with the wrong crowd. It doesn't seem like the crowd at home has been all that impressive, either.

The hilariously frustrating 911 call can be heard on TMZ.com.

Lindsay is, not surprisingly, pleading innocent to all charges, which is the second most popular Hollywood legal term to "irreconcilable differences."

By the way, the horror/thriller flick starring Lindsay Lohan is called I Know Who Killed Me, and it opens Friday.