047

Bad Ads
A short, pleasantly biased review of four pervasive advertising campaigns

BoConcept
The ads: BoConcept adorns their advertisements with phrases ending in "don't blame us."
An example: "If you think a chair can't turn heads, don't blame us."
The desired effect: Those in charge at BoConcept probably think that these ads exude confidence in their products' quality and affordability, that the air of confidence is sexy and alluring.
The problem: It makes the store sound like a bitchy absentee parent, which is not the vibe anyone wants in their home.

Washington Mutual
The ads: WaMu was ranked highest in the West and Midwest regions for customer satisfaction in retail banking by J.D. Power and Associates.
The desired effect: WaMu is proud of this honor, and they want to uphold the standard they have set for themselves. Customers can also expect great service from a company when their customer service award is plastered everywhere.
The problem: While thanking their customers for making them number one, WaMu pimps this award like they're Archbishop Don "Magic" Juan. Show more, tell less.

Dolce and Gabbana
The ads: Find the print ones yourself; it's more fun that way. Or check http://eng.dolcegabbana.it for the English-language version of their web site.
The desired effect: Glossy homo-erotic intrigue? I don't even know.
The problem: See above.

Jared, the Galleria of Tewlery
The ads: A string of creepy and/or pompous motherfuckers gasping to each other "He went to Jared!" "He went to Jared!" "He went to Jared!"
The desired effect: Everyone will want to bone the guy who went to Jared for his wife/fiancé/whatever's ring. Everyone will then wish that they/their husband/fiancée/whatever had the same elegant idea to go to Jared.
An example, which is also the problem: The settings are very formal events, things like galas, receptions, upscale cocktail parties. All of the characters place different emphasis on the line they deliver in series, like they're playing telephone with something shoved up their asses, and the whole thing makes you want to pee in their drinks Fight Club-style.

These companies are their best when they keep things simple:

. WaMu's customer service really is excellent, with friendly associates who have been cool to me from day one and no stewpid extraneous charges.
. D&G's products speak for themselves. I can't afford them, but they're cool, mostly, I think.
. And BoConcept's approach of customization and tailoring your purchase to your needs is exactly what design should be: individual.
. Jared, as you may guess, can totally blow himself. This company is putrid.

046

$2.5 million per day
the approximate cost to operate the USS Ronald Reagan, which carries as many as 6,000 crew members, while not in port

Damn, that's an expensive boat...

Source:
Navy saves teen whose appendix burst on cruise.

045

James Blunt's song "You're Beautiful," that is supposedly sweet mom-rock, came on a radio station at work (I didn't pick it). The lyrics are not only poor, with forced rhymes in his wheezing choking-on-painkillers voice ("My life is brilliant / My love is pure / I saw an angel / Of that I'm sure."), but they're also pretty damn creepy:

She smiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that
'cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful. You're beautiful.
You're beautiful, it's true.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And I don't know what to do,
'cause I'll never be with you.

So you have a plan but you don't know what to do? That doesn't even make sense, dickhead.

Here's what you should do: You leave this poor woman alone before her much more deserving boyfriend/husband beats the piss out of you. In public.

You're obsessing over someone you saw in the subway once? This dude must not see attractive women very often. I can understand remembering her, but this piece of voyeurism is kinda trashy and very alarming.

Sorry, moms [and daughters]; holiday-themed fabric-painted sweatshirts are one thing, but if you actually like this sugary turd, your crappy taste is also really uncomfortable. So stop it. Unless you really want to patronize inept perverts everywhere.

044

...dumbest fucking headline I've seen in a while:
Female suicide bomber dies in Pakistan
from the Associated Press via MSNBC News via MSN.com.

According to the AP article, this is Pakistan's first known case of a suicide attack by a woman. This is a story of desparation, most tellingly of the sad state of humankind.

And the goddamn headline makes it sound like it's from The Onion.

043

Though I assume certain recent advertisements are for people who can afford to pay for a car in full, cars do not make good Christmas presents.

They usually require monthly payments, sometimes loans, and must be frequently checked. This includes washing and waxing, scheduling appointments, checking the oil, all that shit. Who wants a long-term commitment for Christmas? This holiday is supposed to be about instant and temporary gratification! A car, like an engagement ring, is not a gift, not something to buy because of a seasonal sale...unless you're a moron, in which cause you totally deserve it. And a Merry Christmas to you, dumb-ass.

This is why iPods, cell phones, and things make such great, long-term Christmas gifts, until they become outdated like all technology. Really good, simpler gifts would include art/framed photography (not the tacky shit they show you how to make on HGTV on Sunday mornings), a peak lapel blazer (sorry, seven-year-olds, but clothes are cool gifts when you're older!), classy serviceware (the more substantially weighted, industrial/minimalist kind), or a gift card to buy music (because you really should pay for music).

So, family, there is a little wish list. Don't send me yours; I can't afford it.

And if all else fails, go to the wine/good beer section and stick with the classiest bottle/six-pack you can find. Don't even bother with a bow. Just remember: the holiday five-pack, like anything purchased at 2:30am at Wal-Mart, is an insult, a desecration of our (everyone's) most beloved holiday.