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Though I assume certain recent advertisements are for people who can afford to pay for a car in full, cars do not make good Christmas presents.

They usually require monthly payments, sometimes loans, and must be frequently checked. This includes washing and waxing, scheduling appointments, checking the oil, all that shit. Who wants a long-term commitment for Christmas? This holiday is supposed to be about instant and temporary gratification! A car, like an engagement ring, is not a gift, not something to buy because of a seasonal sale...unless you're a moron, in which cause you totally deserve it. And a Merry Christmas to you, dumb-ass.

This is why iPods, cell phones, and things make such great, long-term Christmas gifts, until they become outdated like all technology. Really good, simpler gifts would include art/framed photography (not the tacky shit they show you how to make on HGTV on Sunday mornings), a peak lapel blazer (sorry, seven-year-olds, but clothes are cool gifts when you're older!), classy serviceware (the more substantially weighted, industrial/minimalist kind), or a gift card to buy music (because you really should pay for music).

So, family, there is a little wish list. Don't send me yours; I can't afford it.

And if all else fails, go to the wine/good beer section and stick with the classiest bottle/six-pack you can find. Don't even bother with a bow. Just remember: the holiday five-pack, like anything purchased at 2:30am at Wal-Mart, is an insult, a desecration of our (everyone's) most beloved holiday.